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Old 08-04-2009, 02:42 AM   #61
fmusic8825
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here's a few of mine. let me know what you think.
Plastic Words

The words don't mean
Anything.
They are
Pointless.
They mean nothing to
The heart
and the soul.
Nothing more than mere plastic.
They don't move the heart
They don't help the world
Or show the truth.
There is nothing to show
For them
They are alone
Boring
Dull
Soulless
Heartless
Brainless
Plastic.

Move forward

Never look back,
Keep moving forward.
It's the way to go.
Keep looking at the future,
Never in the past.
Because if we dwell on the past
We just might find
That the world that we knew
Got left behind.
If you keep looking back,
Who know what you'll miss!
A good friend
A new love
A first kiss.
Don't lose yourself to the past.
Don't dwell on what might have been
Only what could be
All you have to do is
Move forward
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Old 18-04-2009, 06:09 PM   #62
Spyke
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Ok, so this was probably the first ever poem I wrote, I wrote it for English last year, constructive criticism would be apreciated.

The Question
My question hangs in the air
Already I regret it, I wish now that I hadn’t asked.
I brace myself for the soul-crushing “No”
How can only 2 letters be so horrible?
Your lips part, a single breath escapes your mouth
Already my world is crashing ‘round me
As you reply your mouth curls upward,
I cannot believe it, you are laughing at me already!
Your reply is soft, like a lover’s touch
But it stuns me, like a boxers punch
The single word you utter hits me like a truck
Yet it causes no me no sense of pain.
I feel a sense of relief wash over me,
No longer do I regret the question.
I realise now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
How can only 3 letters be so wonderful?

It's about the feeling of a shy person asking another person on a date or somesuch thing.

Also, I figure this is the best place to ask the question, what are some good melancholic poets?
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Old 19-04-2009, 02:41 AM   #63
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Ugh, I was going to quote, but did you have to center every line individually? *face explodes with BBcode*

I love your poem. I usually don't like poems set in a plain-english sort of way like this one, but the theme won me over. I was dubious when you started describing how a word could be so horrible..cliché, maybe...but the descriptions are simple and accurate which is often way better than flowery stuff, and I particularly admire the structure of the poem.

And I can't really answer the question, since I'm only recently a real poetry enthusiast and I'm not up to knowing who poets are and reccomending them. I just really like Yeats.
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Old 19-04-2009, 02:51 AM   #64
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Born Lee View Post
Ugh, I was going to quote, but did you have to center every line individually? *face explodes with BBcode*

I love your poem. I usually don't like poems set in a plain-english sort of way like this one, but the theme won me over. I was dubious when you started describing how a word could be so horrible..cliché, maybe...but the descriptions are simple and accurate which is often way better than flowery stuff, and I particularly admire the structure of the poem.

And I can't really answer the question, since I'm only recently a real poetry enthusiast and I'm not up to knowing who poets are and reccomending them. I just really like Yeats.
Sorry, I just copied it out of Word.

Cheers for the good feedback
I'll try to not include clichés in future work. By Plain-English do you mean the lack of rhyme or the sort of words I used?
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Old 19-04-2009, 02:56 AM   #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spyke View Post
Sorry, I just copied it out of Word.

Cheers for the good feedback
I'll try to not include clichés in future work. By Plain-English do you mean the lack of rhyme or the sort of words I used?
No no, I wasn't annoyed by the cliché because the poem made it good! You described the moment so well, I forgot about it, so write as many clichés as you want so long as they're that good!

Plain English...I wasn't sure if it was the correct word to use. But the speaker is pretty much telling it like it is, not using any dramatic way to say it, just using similies and metaphors, its simple but very effective. For example:

But it stuns me, like a boxers punch

could have been more dramatic or exclamatory

There, it stuns, like a boxer's punch!
It stuns me cold like a boxer's punch.

But your simple line works, it seems to communicate like the rest of the poem the speaker's youth or lack of experience. Not that I'm saying your vocab is weak, just that keeping it simple really worked for this poem. That's what I was trying to say.
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Old 19-04-2009, 03:03 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Born Lee View Post
No no, I wasn't annoyed by the cliché because the poem made it good! You described the moment so well, I forgot about it, so write as many clichés as you want so long as they're that good!

Plain English...I wasn't sure if it was the correct word to use. But the speaker is pretty much telling it like it is, not using any dramatic way to say it, just using similies and metaphors, its simple but very effective. For example:

But it stuns me, like a boxers punch

could have been more dramatic or exclamatory

There, it stuns, like a boxer's punch!
It stuns me cold like a boxer's punch.

But your simple line works, it seems to communicate like the rest of the poem the speaker's youth or lack of experience. Not that I'm saying your vocab is weak, just that keeping it simple really worked for this poem. That's what I was trying to say.
Ah, I get what you mean Thanks
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Old 20-04-2009, 07:49 PM   #67
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something i wrote quite some time ago, so it might just be suckage. just some excessive wordplay, doesn't have any real meaning


The void is filled with love and wait
The dancing twirls of thought sedate
Wandering images playfully pull
The strings of consciousness

And the world begins to slow and show
Down the stream I’ll flow
From whence? To where? I do not know

Past the figure of an eight
Past the lovely soul of mate
At this I stop a while and stare
For golden ribbons filled her hair
I’ll miss her so, so young and fair
I turn off and go, go to float
Perhaps she could have told me where
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:44 PM   #68
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I write some.. not that elaborated or well written.. but they're just.. extracts from my mind heh.

http://comptine.tumblr.com/
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:32 AM   #69
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:06 PM   #70
New Born Lee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurabrussell View Post
Lee what has happened to your Avatar!
It became aufsome, as opposed to . Or whatever.

For the moment I'm lacking in poetry. Lost my muse...well, technically forcing myself not to write about my muse. Still.
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:21 PM   #71
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If You See Me Falling

If you see me falling
Would you pick me up
If I fail to be all I can be
Would you stand by me
What I did before is in the past
I will turn a new leaf and make it last
Under the moon I feel its bless
Clensing this unintentional mess
I feel I now can be all I can be
For sakes alive my soul is free
In all the world's exquisite charms
My only haven is in your arms
If you see me falling from above
Catch me and bathe me in love
~~~~~~~

I'll throw another one on later.....bye!
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Old 07-05-2009, 04:16 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spyke View Post
Ok, so this was probably the first ever poem I wrote, I wrote it for English last year, constructive criticism would be apreciated.

The Question
My question hangs in the air
Already I regret it, I wish now that I hadn’t asked.
I brace myself for the soul-crushing “No”
How can only 2 letters be so horrible?
Your lips part, a single breath escapes your mouth
Already my world is crashing ‘round me
As you reply your mouth curls upward,
I cannot believe it, you are laughing at me already!
Your reply is soft, like a lover’s touch
But it stuns me, like a boxers punch
The single word you utter hits me like a truck
Yet it causes no me no sense of pain.
I feel a sense of relief wash over me,
No longer do I regret the question.
I realise now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
How can only 3 letters be so wonderful?

It's about the feeling of a shy person asking another person on a date or somesuch thing.

Also, I figure this is the best place to ask the question, what are some good melancholic poets?
I'm glad I use WYSIWYG!

Wow. I love the atmosphere this creates, the way you manipulate the mind to work as opposed to saying "She said yes"

Great stuff, my stuff is sucky.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:15 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by undercover_bombshell View Post
If You See Me Falling

If you see me falling
Would you pick me up
If I fail to be all I can be
Would you stand by me
What I did before is in the past
I will turn a new leaf and make it last
Under the moon I feel its bless
Clensing this unintentional mess
I feel I now can be all I can be
For sakes alive my soul is free
In all the world's exquisite charms
My only haven is in your arms
If you see me falling from above
Catch me and bathe me in love
~~~~~~~

I'll throw another one on later.....bye!
I really like it. Well done, it's beautiful!

I post my poems on http://comptine.tumblr.com
So go there, read, register and like, etc.

Here's one that I've uploaded there:

On the grass

With every cloud that passes by
I think that now’s the time to die
With every bug getting into my hair,
I say it wouldn’t be more than fair
With every straw that tickles me,
I wonder if this is what it is to be
With every darker shade of blue,
I feel the night is the only thing true
With every star reaching my eye,
I realise it’s not time to say goodbye
With every bit of quiet in the city,
I miss my loved ones, and never seeing them again would be a pity
With every star that fades away,
I know there must be a reason to stay,
With every lighter shade of blue,
I realise I need to stick too,
With every bit of sound reaching my ears,
I stand up, walk away, and wipe out my tears
With every step closer to being dead,
I need to live before preparing for what lies ahead
With every bit of hope I can defend,
I refuse to believe this is the end..



Yeah, hope you liked it. Doesn't flow too easily, but depends on how you read it.
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Old 08-05-2009, 02:16 AM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mona View Post
I really like it. Well done, it's beautiful!

I post my poems on http://comptine.tumblr.com
So go there, read, register and like, etc.

Here's one that I've uploaded there:

On the grass

With every cloud that passes by
I think that now’s the time to die
With every bug getting into my hair,
I say it wouldn’t be more than fair
With every straw that tickles me,
I wonder if this is what it is to be
With every darker shade of blue,
I feel the night is the only thing true
With every star reaching my eye,
I realise it’s not time to say goodbye
With every bit of quiet in the city,
I miss my loved ones, and never seeing them again would be a pity
With every star that fades away,
I know there must be a reason to stay,
With every lighter shade of blue,
I realise I need to stick too,
With every bit of sound reaching my ears,
I stand up, walk away, and wipe out my tears
With every step closer to being dead,
I need to live before preparing for what lies ahead
With every bit of hope I can defend,
I refuse to believe this is the end..

Yeah, hope you liked it. Doesn't flow too easily, but depends on how you read it.
I like the simplicity and loose structure. It brings across the relaxed, introspective, dreamy feeling of lying on the grass.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:20 AM   #75
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Can't believe I've never posted in here. I used to write poetry all the time. I should get back on it.

My most recent is probably two years old.


Explosions

Too good to care
make your plans and keep them
Destroy the thought of freedom
A push, a shove, ignored
Let the flame of fear ignite.


Watch it explode
begin to implode
the whole of itself exhumed
Feel it erode
A soul on its own
In a plan of destruction sold.


Scratch out the truth
rewrite the words
continue to spread
a sense of fear
A fear that controls
the minds of the naive.


Scramble our thoughts
you're too blind to see
the devastation and shame
you have put on our lives.



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